i can be the fun, gross aunt

thank god my sister didn't have girls:


i can miss ryan manning

i was just looking for my birth certificate in my email archives and i stumbled across this interview between me and ryan manning for thunk.

there is no record of our love on the internet.

RM: what is your ethnicity?
AZ: i'm half italian and half german.

R: what do you aspire to?
A: being able to support myself by doing something i love and having that positively affect the lives of other people.
i would also like to be famous enough to have an intern who is willing to transcribe everything i say because most of the time i'm really funny and i have a bad memory.

R: what is your ultimate fantasy?
A: if we're speaking non-sexually, it would be great if my love for the internet was not unrequited. i mean, the internet has already been living with me in my apartment for almost 6 years and i'm ready to take our relationship to the next level. i would like to bring the internet home to my parents and introduce it as my boyfriend.
if we are speaking sexually, i would say, without going far into details, that at the end of my fantasy i will have at least one black eye, ligature marks, and light to severe bruising on my neck and body.

R: under what circumstances would you tell a lie?
A: well, since i'm what you might call a "compulsive liar", pretty much any circumstances will do. In fact, I'm lying right now. I'm not a compulsive liar.

R: what qualities attract you to someone?
A: strong forearms and a good sense of humor. i'm also attracted to the smell of men's armpits but i think that has to do more with science than personal preference.

R: when you were growing up what did you want to be?
A: i always wanted to be an interior designer and then i became an interior designer and i realized i actually didn't want to be an interior designer. now i want to be a math teacher but i don't think that will happen.

R: what is your political affiliation?
A: i'm registered as a democrat but i believe in socialism.

R: has anyone ever said something about you to you that shocked you?
A: i think that i'm pretty self aware...i get shocked anytime someone compliments me. once someone told me my writing was good and i thought that was shocking since i don't consider myself a writer.

R: do you like talking on the phone?
A: i'd rather talk on the phone than check my voice mail.

R: did either of your parents ever talk to you about sex when you were growing up?
A: i don't think so. but my mother called me last month and asked me if i was on birth control and i told her i wasn't because i didn't want to pay for it. she told me if i wanted to be on birth control she could get it for free and then suggested i accept her offer so i did. that's the most sex talk we've ever had.

R: what do you think happens to us after we die?
A: our tissues break down into simpler forms of matter?

R: do you like where you live?
A: very much...there are 5 people, 1 cat, and 1 dog and the walls are made of metal studs and cardboard. its like a circus fort for adults.

R: what sort of things would cause you to lose your temper?
A: i get kind of angry when people on the subway are playing music out loud on their cell phones or babies are crying. i think there are many other things that cause me to lose my temper based on the number of times i'm told to "calm down", but i can't think of what they are right now.

R: if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything you wanted right now, where would you be and what would you be doing?
A: i would be in germany eating some schnitzel and bratworst and a drinking beer with banana juice in it.

R: if you were to choose between the power of invisibility and the power of flight, which would you choose and why?
A: i would choose invisibility for two reasons:
1. i'm a creep/stalker and invisibility would prove beneficial in my stealthy activities, and
2. i wouldn't want to have to explain to anyone the reason i could fly. i don't really like talking to people that much.

R: what do you want your last meal to be?
A: maybe the biggest burrito ever, heavy on the guac.

R: you have three wishes. what are they?
A: 1. my family and friends stay healthy and happy.
2. FakeOrange becomes something more than a project we do for fun, but always stays a project we do for fun.
3. the internet falls in love with me.

R: how do you feel about this interview?
A: i like it because it made me feel good about myself. thanks for that.


i can go for round four

FakeOrange 4 is well on it's way to becoming a real thing.

over 50 submissions from all over the country ( maybe even THE WORLD )

this one is gonna be good!

i can move on, if i have to